'University of Oslo researcher Dr. Kamran Shalchian-Tabrizi on the discovery that the collodictyon, a single-cell creature found in the sludge of a lake located 20 miles outside of Oslo, does not fit into any of the previously known categories of living organisms. It is "human's remotest relative," reports Discovery News. And "not an animal, plant, parasite, fungus or alga."
Senin, 30 April 2012
Ancestors Of Cleveland Residents Found In Norwegian Lake Sludge
The One Where I Watched the 'Friends' Porn Parody (NSFW)
We first meet our 6 protagonists in Canoga Perk, the Los Angeles version of Central Perk that makes considerably less sense. Here, we learn that 'Russ's' wife Carol has cheated on him with another woman (season 1), 'Moanica' and 'Sandler' are getting married (season 7), and a couple of lesbians kiss for no reason (season never). Sandler (Anthony Rosano) tells Moanica he has something to show her back at his apartment, and I'll give you zero guesses what that something is!
Yup, it's his penis! And lucky for us, Anthony Rosano chooses to do a giddy Chandler impression the minute he's naked, leading to an unfortunate moment where his bing (yup) just kinda whacks back and forth across his thighs. Aka the sexiest thing I've ever seen. Sandler and Moanica start going at it on, where else, one of the two leather recliners, which immediately looks like the least comfortable place to have sex. That is, of course, until fifteen minutes later when they're doing it on the foosball table.
Despite that, Moanica lives up to her name, and Sandler is a pro. My one complaint with this scene is the ratio of BJ time (3:37) to VJ time (:19). And yes, I did the math on that. I know porn isn't really for girls, but this girl has certainly seen a lot of it, and this girl would appreciate a slightly more even ratio, thank you.
From here we head back to Canoga Perk, where 'Freebie' (solid) accidentally mentions a secret bachelorette party that the girls are having for Moanica, despite the fact that Moanica told Sandler he couldn't have a bachelor party. (A very specific plot from Season 8, Episode 8 ) An indignant 'Joe' and Russ decide to throw Sandler a party.
Quick sidenote: I should mention that the porn actors who play Joe, Freebie and 'Rachelle' actually do look strangely like their TV counterparts. In a bizarro, funhouse mirror kinda way.
Joe: So Freebie, do you have time to fuck me first?
Freebie: I think I can fit you in.
If that last line was an intended double entendre (or even if it wasn't), it's perfect. So yeah, Joe and Freebie head back to Moanica and Rachelle's apartment to have sex. Which, for all none of you keeping track, is another great set by New Sensations.
This three-way is decent, although the girls barely interact with each other, which seems kind of un-three-way-y (the most popular of the quadruple hyphenates). The scene is made considerably better when Lee Roy Myers manages to completely frame out Russ's face. From the neck down he's an impressive male specimen with a monster dong. From the neck up he's been kicked in the head by a horse. But hey, he's having sex with two women, so fuck me, right?
Meanwhile, in Rachelle and Moanica's apartment, Freebie reveals that the stripper she hired is none other than Naked Guy from across the street. Enter Naked Guy, who is played by none other than Evan Stone! (previously McBain, Porn Nazi, Venkman) He agrees to strip as long as he can videotape it, and immediately performs what I can honestly say is one of the funniest stripper routines I've ever seen.
Double meanwhile, Sandler and Joe are in the midst of Sandler's bachelor party, where Sandler immediately gets so drunk he has to go to the bathroom and puke. Just in time for the stripper to arrive, who Joe helpfully refers to as'Russ' mom? What? I mean, I know on the show she's kind of a MILF, but what? No time for questions though, because Joe and Mrs. Geller start going at it while the sneak-up music from a heist movie plays. It's okay. Russ' mom looks a little bit like Cheri Oteri, if Cheri Oteri was a freak and had her crotch pierced.
Okay. Now, I don't know how most four-gys play out, but holy crap. These girls are like rabid dogs fighting over an (admittedly huge) hunk of meat. Like a bunch of sex aliens who can only breathe when attached to a veiny breathing tube. It's ridiculous! Also, Freebie forgets to take off her bachelorette party penis antennae, so that's a nice, sparkly, boingy touch.
And that brings us to the last scene! The whole gang is hanging out at Moanica and Rachelle's apartment talking about Moanica and Sandler's wedding (it's still on!). Then Sandler asks 'what's this?' about something on top of the fridge, the girls all shout 'no!', and we end on a typical Friends freeze frame. Which was helpful, because I had no idea what they were pointing at. Turns out, it was the camera Evan Stone had brought with him, which ended up taping the whole four-gy! A pretty clever ending, actually. And we're out.
All in all, this was not one of my favorite porn parodies. A lot of the angles were too intense, and the performances, save a couple, were pretty uninspired. Luckily, the website description of Sandler makes up for any and every shortcoming of the film: 'Sandler: Could he be any more hung?' Five stars.
Sarah Schneider writes for Saturday Night Live. She enjoys comedy and porn, not necessarily in that order (in that order).
Vancouver's Supervised Drug Injection Center: How Does It Work?
Located in Vancouver's notorious Downtown Eastside'often called Canada's poorest postal code'the supervised injection site opened as a 3-year experiment back in 2003 to curb the neighborhood's high levels of disease spread through shared needles and death from overdose. Now, after nearly a decade of academic research, political debate, public scrutiny and a Canadian Supreme Court ruling last September that stated InSite should remain open indefinitely, Montreal, Toronto, Ottawa and other cities across the nation are contemplating opening their own injection facilities. According to InSite's own records, between 2004 and 2010 they had 1418 overdoses without a single one resulting in death. No one has ever died there.
I spoke with Tim Gauthier, InSite's current clinical coordinator and registered nurse, about the difficulty of maintaining order in a room where most people are high, the significance of whether addicts live or die, and what hope can look like in such an unusual place.
Paul Hiebert: So, how would you describe InSite to someone who's never heard of it?
Tim Gauthier: It's place where staff members and nurses supervise people's injections. The participants come in with their own drugs. In case a participant overdoses or has a heart attack, someone is there to help. If we can intervene timely and quick, there's no reason anyone should ever die. That's our primary function.
There was a big push to get a facility like this opened in the late '90s when overdose rates in British Columbia were reaching epidemic proportions. I think in 1997 we had something like over 450 overdose deaths in the province. Those are absolutely needless deaths.
Participants at InSite have their own booth, which is clean and sanitary. We offer them new needles, alcohol swabs, a sink to wash their hands and medical care. We can dress their wounds and address chronic health issues. We can also link them up with income assistance and housing.
At our front desk, people can pick up equipment such as condoms, lubrication, needles, cookers, filters and everything you need for injecting safely. We give out as much as people think they need. You could take hundreds of needles if you want. There's no limit. It's not a one-for-one needle exchange.
Also, we ask that participants maintain the confidentiality of others who use the site.
Most of the people using InSite are not casual, weekend users. Is that correct?
Typically, participants are people who have been addicted for two years or longer. They're usually heavily addicted middle-aged men from the neighborhood. We also have an overrepresentation of aboriginal users in comparison to general population rates.
We do have the odd time when a person comes in who's relatively new to their addiction. Maybe they're not even addicted at all. Either way, they're new to using. We used to have a blanket rule that we couldn't accept anybody who was brand new to drugs. But that's been revamped because we were turning away people who were using one needle several times or injecting alone. They were engaging in much higher-risk behavior.
Why are there so many drug addicts in Vancouver's Downtown Eastside?
The Downtown Eastside has become a centralized area for poverty. It's one of the last places in Vancouver that has any level of affordable housing. Vancouver is also a harbor city, so drugs come here easily.
InSite is open from 10:00 a.m. to 4:00 a.m. everyday, including holidays. How many people come through InSite per day?
I think before we opened, the experts and scientists and people-in-the-know estimated we'd have maximum 600 visits per day. We're currently seeing about 800 visits'that includes repeat participants'and sometimes up to 1200. We have thousands of participants registered with us, so we're well over max capacity of what we anticipated.
Out of those visits, the majority of them are for injections, but people also come to see our alcohol and drug counselors, and to talk about getting into our detox program. Some are there just to access our nursing care. We're open to the community for medical needs.
What are the main medical ailments you deal with on a regular basis?
We see a lot of wound care. We're treating abscesses and cellulitis. We're also doing a lot of testing for sexual transmitted infections, which is kind of new, such as HIV, Chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis. All that fun stuff. We can get people on antibiotics right away. We also do immunizations now, such as Hepatitis A or Tetanus vaccines.
But for anybody injecting their own street drugs, they do that themselves. Nurses can't poke anyone's skin with a needle or push the drugs into the participant's body. However, we can help them find safer veins to reduce the harm they're doing to their bodies.
This sounds like a nearly lawless environment. Are there any rules at InSite?
The rules are very simple: treat each other with respect. Also, you can't pass drugs or money at InSite. All trafficking has to happen outside. There's no wheeling or dealing here.
We bar people, but quite irregularly. If anybody's caught passing loaded syringes or flaps of heroin or spitballs of cocaine or even money, we restrict his or her access to InSite. And that includes even if a friend passes, like, a lighter. We usually give a warning first cause we can see the lighter, but we can't see the flap of drugs or whatever else goes along with that. So if people are passing anything and we've already warned them, then we bar them for 24 hours. If it's still an issue after that, then we bar them until they speak to someone on our management team, which can sometimes take a while. It can be weeks or months. But we try to hold off on doing that because it can mean life or death for someone if they overdose outside while barred.
We also bar participants for threats, intimidation or any kind of assault. Compared to working in the hospital though, these incidents are rare. We call the Vancouver Police Department when safety is compromised, and they are very quick to respond.
Barring someone must be a hard decision, since it conflicts with InSite's mission.
It is. We don't want to bar someone, but we do our best to make sure trafficking isn't happening inside and that InSite is a safe place for everyone.
So do drug dealers just linger outside by the front doors then?
Not too often. A lot of people have respect for the site. At times we'll have somebody hanging outside doing their business, but we try to move them along and they're usually respectful. We want to promote InSite's integrity.
What's the greatest challenge that nurses at InSite face on a day-to-day basis? What's the hardest part of the job?
Probably just the overwhelming need. We're seeing a lot of people that are just really, really sick and really, really entrenched in their addiction. Our resources are limited. We have only two nurses on at a time, and some participants are sick beyond the scope of nursing practice. Like, if somebody's been stabbed five times in the chest. Or if someone comes in with half his arm eaten up by an infection, he might need surgical removal of that dead tissue, and we can't do that. They need to see a doctor, and getting people to see a doctor is very difficult. If people are entrenched in their addiction, they don't have the time or capacity to make an appointment or wait a few days. Getting people the appropriate care is the hardest part.
Often we'll have lineups of four or five people, and sometimes seeing one person can take as quick as two minutes or up to an hour depending on what it is. We can't see everybody. And these people are hard to treat in the first place cause there's issues of trust and histories of trauma. It takes a lot for some people to ask for help, so when they do we try to be as responsive and quick as we can.
Is there any one participant's story that sticks out in your mind?
There was one participant who I definitely had a soft spot for. She was chaotic. She was super disorganized. Over time she was getting sicker'she was losing her spark, her weight, her energy, and her color was looking bad. She was on our radar.
I approached her to see how she was doing, but she didn't open up to us very much. She didn't listen to anything her doctor told her. She just wouldn't take it in.
One day, when she was extremely sick, she brought us a note from her doctor. It had all these things on it. The note said she was septic. She had cavitating lung lesions and abscesses all along her spine. She also had endocarditis, which is an infection in the lining of the heart. Any of these things by themselves are super serious infections'and she had, like, four or five of them.
I had to tell her what this note meant. She was so overwhelmed when I started mentioning the first couple things. She kept asking, "Am I going to die? Am I going to die?" And I had to tell her, if you don't take care of this, it's very likely you're not going to live through these infections.
It still took us days to get her to a hospital because she just didn't want to go. She was so scared. One of our staff agreed to take her to the hospital and spent the whole night with her in her room, just stroking her hair and being with her. That, to me, was beautiful.
But this participant wouldn't stay in the hospital because of her addiction. She needed her drugs. So, we were able to connect her with a local community program that administered antibiotics, which she was too sick to be a part of, but they let her in anyway because it was better than the alternative of no care at all. All the doctors were nervous about this. They thought she'd die.
She has since improved significantly.
I know that's a long sound bite, but it's one of my most important stories.
What are the main factors that contribute to a person reaching this point? What turns a person into a drug addict?
Addiction is one of those tricky things that nobody really knows what it is. Is it a biological disease? Are some people hardwired for addiction? Or is it something in your past?
Typically, I tend to believe it's rooted in trauma. I agree with the work of Dr. Gabor Mate and his book In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts, where he goes into what trauma does to our brains and how it affects us and how it alters our response to drugs, such as opiates or cocaine or crystal meth.
So, at InSite we take the approach of trauma-informed care'we just assume people have been traumatized and have heavy backgrounds. And all that means is that we approach people gently. When someone opens up to you about their past, it's usually pretty dark. There's significant abuse.
But determinism aside, people do make a number of decisions that increase their chances of getting addicted. What do you say to people who think drug addicts get what they deserve?
Some people talk about overdoses along the lines of population control, but it's definitely not a humane argument. It's not even an effective argument in changing anyone's mind. I don't hear people saying that drug addicts should just be left to overdose too often. When I do, it's a head-shaker. But I usually only see it on blogs or through some asshole commentor'something like that. It's people who feel safe behind their computer. It's not very common for someone to say that to my face. I don't even respond to that kind of bullshit.
What's the most oft-repeated argument you've heard for closing down InSite?
That we're promoting drug use. Which is so far from what we're doing. If anything, we're enabling access to services. That's all we're doing. People are using drugs anyway, and they have been since before we opened. We're not encouraging it.
When participants come to us, we're ready and eager to talk about detox programs and respite and reducing use. InSite participants are 30% more likely to access detox services than those who don't come here at all.
So how do you balance the line between providing a safe haven for drug addicts and trying to get these people to quit? How do you attempt to reform their habits, if at all?Well, first, we're trying to reduce harm any way we can without requiring abstinence. We're not trying to push things on people. I mean, we want people to be abstinent, but that's not our expectation. Our push is to promote safety and harm reduction.
The approach we take is to promote self-respect. We're trying to get people to respect themselves regardless of their addictions or whatever's going on. It's pretty much unconditional. We're not going to meet these people with a bunch of shame. We're not going to lump our expectations and our hopes onto them. Usually they feel shitty enough themselves. They already know that they fucked up. They're already their own worst enemy.
We're in this beautiful position where we're not family and we're not friends. We have the capacity to accept them again, easily and openly.
Isn't there also a concern about how much money InSite costs taxpayers?
People often ask why taxpayers should be paying to enable others to get high. It's really backward. Research supports that InSite is cost-effective in preventing the spread of Hepatitis C and HIV, which are really expensive to treat and maintain. So it's cost-saving. Every cost-benefit analysis I've seen has supported InSite.
Are supervised injection sites a step toward legalizing hard drugs? Are most InSite staff members in favor of this?
I think most staff members are against prohibition. We'd like people to have access to regulated drugs. I mean, a huge problem with drug use is that it's an illegal market. There's no regulation on the quality or control of the substances these people are injecting. So people don't know how strong it is. You could get a flap of heroin that's maybe double the strength of what you're used to, and suddenly you're overdosing.
If you follow examples, like in Portugal and other places that have regulated the drug market, it seems to have positive effects and benefits.
So most of us would be in favor of, say, prescription heroin, which is already happening in Vancouver right now with the SALOME project. It's a heroin maintenance program, and has been happening for the past six months to a year. It's a follow-up to the NAOMI study.
After nearly 10 years, what has InSite taught us about drug addiction?
I think our program has been centered on the idea of harm reduction as a health measure, and that's shown to be valid. It's much more effective than the war on drugs or the "just say no" policy.
While the U.S. has a history of needle-exchange programs and individuals advocating for harm reduction, they don't have a facility quite like this. Do you think the U.S. will ever open their own supervised injection site? Why or why not??
I believe that the U.S. might one day have supervised injection sites. The only thing holding communities back from opening their own is conservative ideologies. All of the evidence supports these facilities, in that they save lives, reduce harm to the users, increase public order and help people get off of drugs by increasing their access to services.
However, I'm not sure about U.S. law regarding supervised injection itself, as InSite had to apply for an exemption from Canada's Controlled Drugs and Substances Act so that nurses, staff and users would not be charged for possession while on the premises. This is where initiatives of this sort require political buy-in.
The U.S. already exceeds Canada, and more specifically, my left-leaning province, British Columbia, in regards to Naloxone distribution programs, so my hope is that a supervised injection site would not be too far of a leap for the U.S. majority to support. It's a lot to consider on a federal level, but I can see individual states more affected by the harms of drug use being more ready to support an initiative like this.
Is there anything you'd change about InSite if you could?
I think it could be bigger. Again, one of our biggest challenges is wait-times. Not just for nursing care, but to use the injection room, also.
Drug addicts can act like assholes. How do you deal with the frustration they can cause?
Relationally. We don't tolerate threats or aggressive behavior toward staff or other participants, but we recognize that people's lives are really hard. We're sensitive to their plights and challenges. So, we really try to approach them through relationships. We try to sympathize.
Have the drug addicts you work with taught you anything about yourself?
I think they've upped my level of authenticity. You can't really bullshit a bullshitter. You have to be honest. Staff members don't have much time for pretentiousness. So that transfers to our personal lives, as well.
Has one participant ever given you hope?
Dean Wilson. He's the guy who took on the Supreme Court of Canada. He was challenging the Charter of Rights and Freedoms as well as the Controlled Drugs and Substances Act.
He was addicted for decades. It was a really chaotic addiction. He's always been a huge advocate for InSite, and was the chair of the Vancouver Area Network of Drug Users (VANDU). He used the site for years, then he went through our detox program. He went through it a few times. But since the last time, about a year or two ago, he's been abstinent.
There was also another participant. If we could pick somebody who would never live a life of sobriety, we'd pick her. She was really messy and her injections were quite bloody. She was deeply entrenched in her addiction. She went through a detox program and now has been clean'by the way, I hate the word clean; I hate it'for years. Now she's published a children's book called Hope. She's the best-case scenario. It's almost like a made-for-TV movie.
Why do you hate the word 'clean'?
Because it implies that when you're using you're dirty. I think that's disgusting. I don't think there's anything dirty or gross about someone just because they're sick, just because they have an addiction.
Previously: A Q&A With A 'Daily News' Crime Reporter
Paul Hiebert is a writer in New York. Photos courtesy of Vancouver Coastal Health.
Sabtu, 28 April 2012
Birds, From Worst To Best
' Canada Goose
' Mute Swan
' Yellow-throated Warbler
' Bald Eagle
' Cockatiel
' American Robin
' Budgerigar
' African Grey Parrot
' Feral Pigeon
' Gull
' House Sparrow
' Blue Jay
' Yellow-bellied Sapsucker
' Great Tit
' Japanese Tit
' Southern Black Tit
' Dusky Tit
' Ashy Tit
' Booby
' American Woodcock (aka Timberdoodle)
' Northern Cardinal
' Chicken
' Toucan
' Black-capped Chickadee
' Feral Parrots
' Peacock
' Snowy Egret
' Red-billed Streamertail
' Mourning Dove
' Pelican
' American Kestrel
' Hoopoe
' Turkey Vulture
' Peregrine Falcon
' Hummingbird
' Baltimore Oriole
' Magpie
' Crow
' Raven
' Mockingbird
' Brahminy Kite
' Wild Turkey
' Curlew
Joe MacLeod was permaently scarred as a child (OK, teenager) when he viewed an ABC Afterschool Special. Ornithological consultation by Tom Scocca.
Is Whole Foods Really That Much More Expensive?
Every month, I dump a pretty big chunk of my paycheck into organic groceries at Whole Foods. I know shopping for organic groceries at Whole Foods is expensive, and that it adds up, but it got me thinking: Is buying grocery at Whole Foods really that more expensive than other grocery stores?
In the most unscientific survey of grocery prices ever conducted, I compared the cost of certain delectable items from my local Whole Foods to prices at Safeway, the standard regional grocery chain here in Northern California.
My hypothesis: Whole Foods is going to cost a lot more, and I'm going to have to face the music and rein in my spending if I ever want to retire'which I do!
And here are the results, in chart form. Here's what I spend on organic produce at Whole Foods instead of regular produce at Safeway.
I think I would pay two more bucks for the organic stuff. Yay! Let's compare the chicken.
*Cringe.* The difference is huge. However, this information had an inverse effect on me, because it didn't make me want cheaper meat. Instead, it just creeps me out, and makes me worry about animals and chemicals and all sorts of awfulness. I'll pay more for good meat. So, next up are a bunch of identical products:
Highway robbery, Whole Foods. I'm out! Or, am I?
Plus, a couple of organic options at Whole Foods is actually cheaper.
But this was an utter failure:
Conclusion: While it's definitely more expensive, I'm happy to find out that the price discrepancy between organic and regular produce isn't as extreme as I thought it would be, and since it's important to me, this is a price I'm willing to pay. And a couple things'like wine and certain fresh foods'are even cheaper at Whole Foods! But when it's time to stock up on tea and ice cream (AKA every day), I'll be sure to do it at Safeway. Now let's all go have one tortilla and four gallons of milk.
Eve O'Neill lives in California and really, really wants to visit New York. Email plane tickets here. Photo credit: Flickr/ilovemypit
Jumat, 27 April 2012
On That Terrible TV Show About Girls Having Sad Sex!
Because I recognize that you are a skeptical internet person with limited time, let me lay out my arguments for the cultural importance of "The Client List," the new Lifetime series starring Jennifer Love Hewitt that has created absolutely zero hubbub and argument on the Internet.
First of all, do any television shows at all warrant this kind of criticism? Are they really that important to the culture?
Yes, they are. Or can be, anyway. There is a growing body of study suggesting that parasocial (parasocial meaning via media and usually one-sided, rather than actual human-to-human) contact with people who are different from the viewer (to date, the research mostly deals in gay characters) can decrease prejudice in the same way that actual contact has been shown to do.
The parasocial contact hypothesis states that "If a majority group member has little opportunity for interpersonal interaction with minority group members, parasocial interaction potentially could provide such contact." As it turns out, people can learn to be more tolerant from exposure to minority groups in television (actual line from that study: "'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy' provides an unusually rich stimulus"). By at least this standard, media influences people.
Well, ok, but does "The Client List" in particular warrant this kind of attention? It has nowhere near the cultural impact that "Girls" does.
I am sure that you are more likely to have seen "Girls" than "The Client List." However, each of the first three episodes of "The Client List" have been watched by about 2.8 million people. The first two episodes of "Girls" were watched by about 1.1 million per episode'and those numbers include the same-night repeat episode. ("Girls" did 858,000 viewers for the original run.) "The Client List" is 40 minutes, while "Girls" is 30 minutes. Sure, "Girls" is smarter and Zeitgeistier, but that only counts toward winning on the internet.
The evidence for "Girls" otherworldly importance is simply not there, and pretty sure Lena Dunham would be the first to agree. So, how did Girls become the most-tweeted about show evar?
For starters, I don't think it's exaggerating to say "Girls" has the best title for a show in the history of television. Everyone likes girls! How was "Girls" not taken already? It's a pretty bold move to name your show after a diminutive for an entire gender.
HBO went for those Louis C.K.-style profiles of the comedian/auteur, and flung all credit for the show's production at Lena Dunham like the little rose petals that her servants drop at her feet as if she were Jaffe Joffer, King of Zamunda (or so I've read on some Tumblr somewhere, it must be true). It's really easy to pick a subject for a story about a show created by Lena Dunham, written by Lena Dunham, directed by Lena Dunham, starring Lena Dunham, brought to you by Executive Producer Lena Dunham. You just talk to/about Lena Dunham. That she's a "new face" makes it even easier. That she's a great interview helps even more.
(The Judd Apatow co-sign helps: his support for a woman-centric comedy is useful because he has a reputation for producing hugely successful male-centric, at-times misogynistic things, so it creates this air of 'oooh, he must see something magical in the show if Dunham pulled him away from making Knocked Up 2: Planned Parenthood.')
And why did the Internet spend two weeks on fire about "Girls"? Because it naturally courts at least one oft-marginalized group of people: smart young women who are smart young writers. You know where else you can find smart women who either want to be or are writers? Writing on the internet! And in magazines! Cool! Salon's Willa Paskin'ironically enough in light of the show's whole "all-white" problem'referred to the show as FUBU, as in For Us, By Us. (She did not say this about "Veep." Which, incidentally, did 1.7 million viewers in the night.)
All of these reasons account for the endless chatter, and (likely!) contributed to its modest but strong early ratings. And meanwhile, while newspapers all bit and did their share to fill their TV columns, almost literally no one on the Internet is talking about "The Client List." Why is that?
"The Client List" is on Lifetime. Lifetime's new branding position is "Not Your Mother's Lifetime." That is about enough said. Lifetime is so un-Internet-ey that the domain name lifetime.com takes you to Lifetime Products, Inc., makers of outdoor furniture and residential basketball equipment.
It can fairly be assumed the demographic for "The Client List" skews older and less urban than that of "Girls" because I think everything's viewership is older and less urban than that of "Girls." There's a price to pay for that (presuming you care about Internet hubbub).
"The Client List" is a familiar, schlocky drama, so much so that it can be difficult for younger viewers to suspend disbelief. In the first episode, our protagonist Riley Parks' husband 'goes to the store to get a pack of cigarettes' never to return. It's not until the third episode that she drops a BOMBSHELL when she questions her unwavering commitment to the husband who, I'll repeat, walked out on her unannounced. The third episode! I found that hard to relate to. But if you're really a till death do us part type, I could see why you might empathize. This show is all about Finding Inner Strength, which is a thing that plenty of people like doing.
But what's wrong with The Client List?
It's really, really easy to dismiss The Client List straight away on account of it is all about handjobs and Jennifer Love Hewitt's cleavage and her shockingly bad Texan accent for someone who is actually from Texas. But there are even more issues with this show'oh yes!
1. The Handjob Palladium's madam is a Magical Negro named Georgia Cummings. 2. An absurd emphasis is still placed on getting a man as the road to happiness. 3. Sex work is evidently as a non-stop joyride of friends, laughs and therapeutic handjobs for unrealistically attractive dudes. 4. There is also a Fat Best Friend (Type A), but she hasn't done much yet.
The groundswell against the lack of diversity (university?) on "Girls" has worked to the fullest extent that such things can. Dunham vowed to make changes in the second season. "The Client List" escapes criticism of that kind because it is already so naturally offensive on so many fronts that it would seem ridiculous to go all Mike Wallace on Jennifer Love Hewitt for portraying sex work as just a fun, hush-hush way to show off a hot new outfit. As it turns out, the greatest PR trick "The Client List" could ever pull was convincing the Internet that the show doesn't exist.
Jordan Carr lives in Los Angeles where crossing Jennifer Love Hewitt might be a career-ending mistake. Of course he has a blog and twitter.
Ignorant Backwater Bans Restaurant with the Name "Fuku"
A West Palm Beach restaurant set to open in just a few weeks is already gaining a lot of attention all because of its name.GOD HELP US FLORIDA IS STUPID.It's called fuku.
The owners say it's a Japanese word with a wholesome meaning....In a letter to the owners' attorney, the Florida Department of State Divisions of Corporations denied the trademark request because, "The mark consists of, compromises or includes immoral, deceptive or scandalous matter."
Public Awareness Campaign Working
Kamis, 26 April 2012
M.E.D. And Hodgy Beats, "Outta Control"
Underground legend Madlib made a beat that sounds like sneakers in a dryer for his fellow Oxnard, California rapper M.E.D. and Odd Future's Hodgy Beats to rap over. Then Henry Demaio and Rory Gamble digitized them into an animated video that's like Yellow Submarine meets Fritz the Cat. It's fun to watch.
The Pinkertons Are Ready to Crack Skulls on May Day
The Awesome Album Milla Jovovich Made When She Was 16
But to put the album in its proper context, we'll have to explore a period in our history we might otherwise prefer to forget: mainstream pop culture of the mid-90s. The Divine Comedy came out in 1994, and so herein you will be faced with names like "Toad the Wet Sprocket," "Harry Dean Stanton" and "David Hasselhoff." If you can bear it, though, you'll get to know a surprisingly good album by this model turned actress turned'yep, she's earned it'singer.
THE SONGS: One traditional folk song from Jovovich's native Ukraine and ten originals, based on poems she wrote. If it were 1994, we could compare it to Dead Can Dance or Tori Amos or Rusted Root; today, we'd compare it to Lady Antebellum or Taylor Swift, which certainly says something about something. (Aside from the synths, which make it sound a little like an Andrew Lloyd Weber musical.) Mandolins, minor keys, accordions, swooping melodies, that sort of thing. Up the schmatlz by 75% and you'd get "My Heart Will Go On."
THE PACKAGING: The cover painting, created for the album by a Russian artist, was what inspired the album's title rather than the other way around. It was a nice touch for Jovovich to take that image and come up with "The Divine Comedy." Without it, the painting'a naked brunette reaching up to illuminated angels while a snake and various murky demons attempt to drag her down'could easily come off like the wall mural on some oligarch's mansion. Instead, its faux-Renaissance affectations seem almost literary. (Also, naked lady!) In the middle of the booklet is a full-length black-and-white picture of Jovovich dressed in all black, wearing low-top Cons and a midriff-baring top while carrying a mandolin. (1994!)
DID IT SELL? Hard numbers aren't easy to come by; the album never charted, but in those days of quintuple-platinum blockbusters a moderate-selling release wouldn't necessarily show up on Billboard's radar. It was promoted heavily, though, with an official video and appearances on "Alternative Nation" and Conan O'Brien.
CURRENT AVAILABILITY: Unlike the other albums addressed in this column so far, it was easier to download Jovovich's album than it was to buy it. Jovovich has a large and robust fan community, and she continues to release music and perform publicly, though she hasn't put out an official album since this one.
SKETCHINESS OF LABEL: In an era when the Butthole Surfers could get a major-label deal, so could Jovovich. In 1988, when she was only 13, she was signed to SBK, an imprint of EMI that also released albums (and cassingles) by Vanilla Ice and Technotronic. They wanted to build a dance-pop album around her, but Jovovich balked. (In one interview she alludes to some demos from this period, which means that, somewhere out there, Milla Jovovich dance-pop songs from 1988 may exist.) Three years later, EMI/SBK gave her free reign to produce an album based around her poetry (a sentence that, in 2012, reads more like science fiction than history), and it was released two and a half years later.
WHEN SHE MADE IT: The Divine Comedy was released three years before The Fifth Element, and as such Jovovich was more of a b- or even c-list star at the time. After moving to Los Angeles from the Soviet Union, Jovovich's actress mother (who had divorced Milla's father soon after the move, and for good reason, it sounds like) had begun to groom her for stardom, enrolling her in acting school. In 1987, at the age of 12, she would have her first magazine cover as a model (see above), on an adult Italian rag called Lei, looking just terrifyingly young. She followed the model path into movies, reprising Brooke Shields' role in the sequel to Blue Lagoon, a performance for which she earned a Razzie. She was supposed to have a larger role in Dazed and Confused'that's her on the left in the poster'but spoke only a single word in the movie, though you can hear her sing a bit of the first track off Divine Comedy, "The Alien Song." Though much of the contemporary press around the album's release mentions Jovovich in relation to her roles in the Blue Lagoon sequel and as a child bride in Chaplin, Linklater's film (which came out a year before Divine Comedy) is the more apropos point of departure. She played the girlfriend of Shawn Andrews, her boyfriend in real life, whom she would later briefly marry as a "fuck you" to her mom. Her experiences with the film were so negative that she quit making films for a couple years, not acting again until The Fifth Element in 1997. The deliberately non-commercial Divine Comedy cemented that rebellious, anti-corporate reputation she'd already stoked with her brooding, rebellious public image and the role in Dazed. This is around the point where Jovovich stops being a model or actress and starts being a cultural icon 'precisely the image Luc Besson would draw on when casting Jovovich as Leeloo.
WHO MADE IT: Jovovich's most notable co-writer on the album was a guy named Mark Holden. Later a judge on the first three seasons of "Australian Idol," Holden's early career was a sort of symbiosis between singing and TV appearances, and his hit songs are just as notable as his acting role and hosting gigs. He ended up writing a couple of hits for the Temptations in the 80s (including "Lady Soul," whose hook sounds an awful lot like Justin Bieber's "Baby"), then went on to produce David Hasselhoff's mid-90s output and compose the theme for "Baywatch Nights." (As one does.) Despite this almost entirely red-flaggy CV, he seems to have done well with Jovovich's material, suggesting that, if nothing else, he's good at working with the desires of the artist.
THE MUSIC: It's good, especially (although not exclusively!) if you keep in mind she was 16 when this was recorded. Even if you don't have audio where you're reading this, just looking at the videos for "Gentleman Who Fell" can give you a good idea of the sound. The original version (above) was directed by Lisa Bonet and featured Harry Dean Stanton playing a violin and wrapping a small girl in gauze (not at the same time). Jovovich rejected it as too commercial (or something?) and instead produced a black-and-white clip that referenced Maya Deren's landmark surrealist film Meshes of the Afternoon. She toured the album around, opening for Crash Test Dummies and Toad the Wet Sprocket.
It's almost impossible to listen to the album without thinking of Kate Bush, but that's OK: it's hard to listen to lots of album from 1994 without thinking of Kate Bush. As someone who listened to a lot of Tori Amos in the 90s, this feels comfortable and familiar. If anything, it sounds like Amos' third album, Boys for Pele, even though that wouldn't come out until two years after The Divine Comedy was released. There are certainly moments when the level of pan flute makes you feel like you're trapped in the back corner of a caftan store (you know, where they're burning the incense), but once you get past that little time-shift, the album offers many pleasures. "Retro" can too easily mean revisiting things you're already familiar with, but every landmark cultural object reflects and produces numerous similar-sounding works. Thus it's easy to return to a sound you love while still experiencing the shock of the new, and if you've never heard The Divine Comedy before, you're in for a treat.
Previously: Ian McShane's From Both Sides Now and Corey Feldman's Former Child Actor
Mike Barthel has a Tumblr.
Rabu, 25 April 2012
Is Twitter Your Job? Is It Paying You? So What Are You Doing?
Rupert says he forgot meeting because it took place on his wife Wendi's boat rather than his own
' David Folkenflik (@davidfolkenflik) April 25, 2012
Who gamed a substantial number of professional news-gatherers into providing free content for Twitter?
Remember back when newspapers and other organizations doubled their employees' workload? (You should, it was only like a couple years ago.) And they were all, ha ha, now you have to blog too! Or you'll get fired like all those union guys who used to run the printing plant! So that worked out pretty well actually. Worked out real good for... some people. But everyone has taken this message way too much to heart. This morning, we saw a seemingly endless number of journalists spend the very early hours frantically live-tweeting every possibly interesting bit (and plenty not) of Rupert Murdoch's testimony at an inquiry. It didn't seem like note-taking; they weren't going to get a transcription out of this for later use; there was definitely hardly any room, at 140 characters, for analysis. It certainly wasn't helping them get their news articles published in a more timely fashion! And it not only didn't result in any revenue for their news organization, it didn't even result in any revenue for the writer in the course of his job duties.
Or did it? I suppose the good news is that all this furious tweeting likely increased their Klout scores, and that may result in sneaky hotel upgrades. And more!
Klout is starting to infiltrate more and more of our everyday transactions. In February, the enterprise-software giant Salesforce.com introduced a service that lets companies monitor the Klout scores of customers who tweet compliments and complaints; those with the highest scores will presumably get swifter, friendlier attention from customer service reps. In March, luxury shopping site Gilt Groupe began offering discounts proportional to a customer's Klout score.
So they've tricked everyone into "building their brand." For Gilt Groupe discounts!
Also, all this attention will then get reporters attention for their links to their actual work... allegedly. Maybe. Transient attention, at least.
People use Twitter because it's fun, mostly. It's a great game! Twitter is actually an earnestly, honestly fun thing to do. And if you love news, and reporting, it makes sense that you'll probably like live-tweeting.
Until it's 11 a.m. in New York, and you've been typing furiously for four hours, and then you have to, you know, do your job all day. For your paycheck. Your Twitter followers totally might help you get a promotion! But your Klout score isn't gonna help with the IRS and the rent. (Yet.)
Chef Listens To Unappetizing Music
"It clears my mind and gives me a blank canvas to work from. That helps me create. When it gets too hectic and overwhelming, I just turn on a tune. And I focus.'
'It's funny that chef Jesse Schenker listens to '90s metal band Tool while he's cooking food at his restaurant, Recette, since what that music mostly conjures for me is the creepy, nauseating imagery that always accompanied it in the videos. (The other bands he likes, too'Nine Inch Nails, Metallica, Pearl Jam, Alice in Chains. Good or bad, all sort of pukey!)
How To Fix The 'New York Post'
Although I'm huge on newspapers, no New York newspaper seems to fit my demographic: aging socialist who only wants to read the Sports Page and Garfield. I give up on newspapers ruthlessly and as permanently as I can. The Boston Globe and The New York Times were the first to go by the wayside. The Globe because The New York Times destroyed it, and then The Times because of their craven build-up to the Iraq War. That, and all their annoying Brooklyn trend pieces. I read the Boston Herald in Boston, minus the entire front section (except the always-enjoyable 'The Inside Track,' because I want to know what Matt Damon and Donnie Wahlberg are up to). And I read The Wall Street Journal until recently, when it just got too expensive and too cumbersome to read on the subway. It was like building a tent inside a crowded submarine. I went with the New York Daily News for a while, but their sports page sucks and their politics aren't much better. So I went back to the Post even though it represents everything I despise in a tabloid newspaper. But such a great sports section.
What's a manchild to do? I came up with a solution to the Problem by Un-Posting the Post.
1. Here's your New York Post. It was barely trying to do anything yesterday'Slow News Month.
2. Open it at the centerfold.
3. Cut it in half wildly with scissors.
4. Add Page Six.
5. Add Garfield.
6. Flip over.
7. Staple crazily.
7.5. Or'as I discovered after some beta testing'if you leave wider gutters, you can use clips.
8. You're good to go.
Jim Behrle tweets at @behrle for your possible amusement.
Selasa, 24 April 2012
Politicians And Milk Prices: An Inquiry
"Should politicians know the price of a pint of milk?" Well? SHOULD THEY?
Killa Kyleon, "Drank In My Cup" And The Very Pretty New Species Of Freshwater Crabs Discovered In The Philippines
Four new species of Insuluman crabs recently discovered in freshwater streams in the Philippines are purple for reasons of signaling prospective mating partners. Rising Houston rapper Killa Kyleon is purple because he's taking a bath in codeine/promethazine cough syrup.
Senin, 23 April 2012
Lana Del Ray, "Carmen"
Lana Del Ray released a new video this weekend. What do you think of it? Tell us in the comments all over the internet with such inflamed vitriol and hyperbole that no one of us will ever be able to consider this person's music separate from the controversy that surrounds her image and authenticity or lack thereof again.
Until Further Notice: Non-Negotiable Instructions
Take as much air you need.
Examine trivial details, the bubbled foam on a just-used but not-yet-rinsed toothbrush.
Eat what you eat too often.
Swallow.
Have or dwell on the possibility of sex.
Envy things but realize it is not the things you desire so much as the comfort of envy itself, the notion that you might one day have more.
Consider not death but certain dead people.
Forget nonevents before they happen.
See that building you've been seeing every day, every day.
Periodically touch your genitals as if to assure yourself they have not grossly mutated since last you touched them.
Use words with two meanings.
Overhear conversations without intending to, then listen.
Inwardly criticize your own small talk.
Picture strangers naked or acknowledge their invented bodies, ferrying consciousness to and fro.
Make decisions that require no action.
Tolerate what is both intolerable and not changing anytime soon.
Pass through moods that are undoubtedly influenced by weather yet seem, on the contrary, to orchestrate it.
Doubt your memories.
Feel money folded in hand, coin edges geared on fingertips.
Cultivate and maintain a spectrum of habits, most harmless or idle.
Mistake loved ones.
Sometimes know that you are thirsty or have to pee and fail to do anything about it right away.
Sabotage your designs.
Suspect that even as you endure it, a person in the distant future is trying to conceive of life in this era'and failing.
Lack answers to anticipated questions.
Notice how animals cut through space, the upcurve made by a flock of birds.
Imagine what it's like in countries you'll never visit.
Perceive time, rather clumsily, as order, change, and infinite horizon.
Don't always adjust.
Sleep when you can.
Previously:
' Eleven Impossibilities
' A Few Environments
' 24 Varieties of Silence
Miles Klee is the author of Ivyland. Photo by David Goehring.
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